Thursday, March 5, 2009

is it the sun?
or is it a collandar?

i'm happy this morning.

my youngest one let me kiss her goodbye this morning.

my coparent sent me a smilie (i had complimented him in an email...).

i am encouraged that sending my light and seeing the light in others can work.

i know i won't always get what i want. love, respect, happiness...

but i can keep influencing the outcome as much as i can.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

figuring it all out again

so,
i'm cozy on my couch
ready to dream
dream of sleep
and it's been a long bloggin' time since
i've done this
but i will and i can
and i'm babbling

and my daughters are home and they
giggle in their room
and they don't want to know me
but they like knowing i want them
nearby.

funny little things.

new growing goal:
learn from my coparent...
what can i learn from him?

look for the good:
ability to detach
dedication to taking care of self
can move from problems to fun with ease
doodles rather than worries

very good start, carol.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

life begets life




thank you, sarah bernhardt...




life begets life.
energy creates energy.
it is by spending oneself that one becomes rich.


and tracy chapman has been singing to me...


If you knew that you would die today

Saw the face of god and love

Would you change?

Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart

When you're down so low that you cannot fall

Would you change?

Would you change?

How bad, how good, does it need to get?

How many losses? how much regret?

What chain reaction would cause an effect?

Makes you turn around

Makes you try to explain

Makes you forgive and forget,

Makes you change

Makes you change


i'm not sure that my own words can say as much today...


Saturday, August 25, 2007

ignorance is not always bliss

wow...this is hello to the fc refugees who have written me, i think via this blogger thing. i've tried to write you back and it just bounces.

so much for naivete.

so, yes, to linking me and i will try my very best to figure out how to link you and all that.
you're all my friends as far as i'm concerned until i figure out how to officially add you as friends.

yikes.

so much to learn.

and at the same time, i seem to be having an actual life lately.
steroid shot has boosted spirit and energy.
upcoming school next week is really making me feel excited and exuberant.
my housemate is absolutely a dear and it's like having a new sister.
and i've been meeting people and making friends, remaking friends.

yay
for life!

more later when there's an ebb!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

oops

cannot figure out how to edit well yet...
please forgive oopsies at bottom of last posting...

from beach day to bleach day







so yesterday,
with my landlord's financial fronting, all the way from the arctic,
i hired two guys from homedepot's sidewalk,
phillip and manual.

we laughed together in my car at how little we understood each other.

phillip was my age, i think, with kind eyes.
manuel was more detached.

at home,
i gave them N95 masks, rubber gloves and goggles.
phillip accepted, manuel declined.

i showed them my moldy cabinet...see ugly pic above
and phillip bravely got to work on the worst of it..

they scrubbed and scrubbed, manuel humming to the latino radio station i found for him.

it was looking pretty good a couple hours later and
i gave them great praise...
then showing them the moldy front closet which needed attacking.
they also tore down icky cheapo temporary wallboard in the laundry room
and nailed up some tarp for me.
of course
after they left, i ran a bleachy wash of all the rags and then discovered
a HUGE puddle of water in the laundry room.
i almost sobbed.
galvin appliance gave me an appt for the next day
and suggested i go back to home depot to try to find the guys.
i did. they weren't there of course.
so in desparation, i called chuck,
who like a wonderful wonderful steed-riding knight
came right over and showed me very simply how they'd neglected to put the
water hose back in its place.
thank you chuck!! you are the best.
the bad news is
that the girls and i scooped gallons of grey water with dustpans
and dumped it.
they wanted to dump it in my sink so it wouldn't kill nice little fishies
if they poured it down the gutter.
well,
they had no conscience for all the gunk that now left in my sink,
but that's ok we saved a few fishies.
good news is that the laundry room floor has now been bleached.
did you know that the cal dept of health says that
diluted bleach is more effective to use than full strength?
wow
the things you learn.
today is bleach day and i've slept in quite a bit.
louie has been sleeping in my room since all the commotion downstairs
might make him ill again.
(we had to take him to an aviary vet a couple weeks ago...he
had a respiratory infection! poor little yellow guy.)
and louie has been lending comfort with his little bell ringing
and his
*how are you*
sweet birdy voice.
and wonderful housemate and helpmate diana
has helped me keep going through all this.
my thought-mirror and my heart=guide all in one.
thank you, thank you.
and i've had boosts of energy from the steroid shot i got the other day.
my face hardly itches any more and i'm no longer embarrassed to be
seen in public.
it was drastic, but i was getting frantic.
now i will tear off my cocoa fingerprint stained nightie
(yeah, i had cocoa almonds for breakfast, wiping my fingers along the way)
and stand ready for the day.
thanks for listening.
feel free to leave comments below.
it's pretty easy...if you haven't done it before,
give it a try.



i sat on the front porch, studying my last summer course on the very charming subject of violence in schools


while my darling daughters screamed and giggled across the street


and very non-politely ignored most of my requests for help.







Sunday, August 19, 2007

WHAT a BARgain...!

i went shopping last night for some kind of allergy relief.
i read that magnesium really helps with mold allergies...also that yeast supplement...
can't remember how to spell it, but something like
aphodopholis...? yikes.

sigh.

and i thought i'd found just the most lovely
air purifier ever!
and it was only $24.99
i slept better
and my face is less puffy.
of course,
this morning i looked at the box as i was breaking it down
and it said
$249.99
jeez...
i can't believe i was so naive.
i probably wouldn't have bought it if i'd really realized the true price.

but now i'm glad i did.

even if it does give off ozone.

the little manual said it's not enough to hurt anyone.
!?
hm....
anyway, it's quieter than a hepa filter thingie machine
and it's made by the sharper image.
don't those people know what they're doing??

we'll see.

i also enclosed my mattress in one of those allegenic casings.
i suppose if there are spores lodging in my mattress, that now they are trapped inside.
not sure.
but for now, it's better than buying a new mattress.

i'm washing all my bedding and bedroom curtains and stuff in HOT water
and bleach if it's white.

oh and i bought an allergenfree pillow and slept on that last night.
just in case.
threw away an old foam rubber pillow that was really really comfortable.
but it could be part of the problem.
hot water/bleach washed my other pillows.
and comforters...

at least i have a plan, right?

now...
aside from my physical health...
i think i'm doing all right.
teetering between the hate-me stuff for all that i still have to do
before school starts (staff days starting this thursday)
and all the stuff i want to do (see friends i still haven't seen all summer)
and so on and so on.
accepting that i can't do everything and trying to prioritize.

mold is my number one.
i won't call it my enemy.
maybe that would bring me more bad energy.
mold is my teacher.
GAWD that sounds so new agey...
but i'm trying to learn what i can from every (even bad) situation.

today:
i will allow positivity to reign.
accept the loneliness that is in my heart,
struggling to know that i actually have what i really want deep inside myself.
i don't need it from another person.
i'm just lonely for the comfort and familiarity of all that.

oh well.